I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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