wanna go halves on a baby?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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