Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
