I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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