so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
