one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
