counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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