So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
