Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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