Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
