five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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