The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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