Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
