I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
