I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
