I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
