I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
