Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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