The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
