I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
