he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
