I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
