I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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