We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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