As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
