My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
