I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
