they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
