Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
