She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
