Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
