everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
