I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
