People in love make me want to vomit
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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