Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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