I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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