Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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