im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
