After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
it glows. i had to have it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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