yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
