My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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