i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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