Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
