I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize