Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
