Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
