I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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