Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize