one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
