Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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