you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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