What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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