I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
