If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
