party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
