This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
